Dismantling Self Doubt

Have you ever felt self doubt?

Lately, my mental space has been crowded with thoughts of self-doubt, inadequacy, imperfection and insecurity. Part of this is inevitably from doing work with a new therapist, digging into a past that still has its claws in me. I must be experiencing an amplification of the words thrown at my throughout my life, tricked into thinking they are my own. But part of it is from frequently being in the vicinity of someone who (most likely unknowingly and unintentionally) makes me feel quite inadequate and worthless. Her presence and the energy I get from her makes me think, “What is about be that is so unlikeable and off-putting?!” A few weeks ago I had even taken her aside and asked her if there was anything I had done to her to offend her, to which she said, “No.” I trusted that, tried to move forward, but yet, have been faced with this same scenario day in and day out. I’ve tried to spin it 1000 different ways: it’s not me, its her; maybe she’s not happy in her life; maybe she’s going through something difficult right now; maybe I remind her of someone who was bad to her; maybe this, maybe that, or maybe something else. But day in and day out, no matter what way I try to spin it, it ends back at “Paige, you are unlovable, unlikeable, bad at your job, and hard to be around.”
BUT NONE OF THESE ARE TRUE AND I KNOW IT.
So how why does this thought pattern have such a strong hold on me?

When I was facing depression a few years ago, the BIGGEST and LOUDEST and most SURE voice within me was one of self doubt: no one liked me, I sucked at everything, I was always making mistakes, and everyone was constantly judging me. I’ve worked very hard to dismantle the power I had given to that part of me, but somehow it’s been slithering back in through the cracks, trying to take hold of all of my thoughts (and successfully doing so). Yes, there was a great element of support from pharmaceutical medication. But there was also a greater element of finding my TRUE self, my TRUE voice, and lifting that up higher and louder than any of that self doubt. How did I do that? Honestly, with hard, dedicated work. Which I am deeply stepping back into now.

I try so hard, and take such pride in, living a life lead with compassion. I try to view every circumstance, situation and interaction through a lens of compassion. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, consider what things might be unseen, and stand firmly in my belief that everyone deserves kindness and compassion. I also see how wildly the force of kindness spreads from person to person when it is unleashed. Yet, somehow in these recent experiences I’ve lost something incredibly integral to my wellbeing: compassion for myself.

The decision to be kind to myself is my own.

The relationship I build with myself is my own.

The way in which I choose to talk to myself is decided solely by me.

I am the one that lives within this vessel of a body,
and I am the one immersed in my mental and emotional landscape.

If I don’t like the weather here, lucky me, I get to change it.

Yesterday, I was sitting outside at a coffee shop by myself. A cutie little girl was staring at me so I smiled, and she beamed and said, “Hi.” And a moment later a man says from beside me, “You seem like such a peaceful and lovely person… and I’m getting that from just sitting next to you.” This kindness seeped into my soul.

These beautiful exchanges in just a few short moments reaffirmed exactly this: When I love myself, am kind to myself, and at peace to myself… it emanates. There is no external thing or person that can taint the truth of this existence.

So let’s all just keep working on loving ourselves, being kind of ourselves, and navigating the tricky ego that far too easily falls victim to the fallacy of insecurity, inadequacy, worthlessness and self doubt.

Who’s with me? 💗